The Strangest Gift Bag Goodies at the Oscars

by Natasha Wolff | February 17, 2016 10:50 am

The official Oscars gift bag given to presenters and performers is pretty cool, filled with thousands of dollars worth of goodies like trips and wine. But that’s nothing compared to Distinctive Assets’[1] famed “Everyone Wins Nominee Gift Bags” in honor of the Academy Awards[2], which goes out to the host and losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Director categories. Why is this unofficial gift bag so sought after and anticipated? Because it’s stocked with over-the-top items and worth upward of $100k. This year, it’s at its highest ($200k) and includes some of the most extravagant gifts.

Inspired by one of the weirder items in this year’s bag, the Vampire Breast Lift[3], we sifted through past bags to find even crazier inclusions. From sex toys to space trips, we can’t help but wonder if the celebrities actually use any of these consolation prizes…

Gold Bike from Martone Cycling[4].  ($1,200): In 2015, the bag was worth $167,000 and included a voucher for an all-gold bike designed by Marc Jacobs’ ex.

Afterglow Vibrator[5] ($250): Not presumptuous at all, 2015’s concoction assumed losers would go home for some sad “I didn’t win, but this will do” sex, which is why the world’s first PulseWave intimate vibrator was included. The toy uses light technology to create enhanced arousal and intense, full-body orgasms.

Joseph’s Toiletries Luxury Toilet Paper[6] ($275): The super snobby Oscar attendees will love the luxury toilet paper in this year’s gift bag. According the brand’s website, “tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a provitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use.” And, obviously, Gwyneth Paltrow is a fan. 

ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System[7] ($16,000): While the women receive products and procedures to make their bodies look better, the men get machines to make their hair grow, like this hair treatment robot that was included in 2014. Harsh.

O-Shot[8] ($5,000): For those nominees who are having some trouble in the bedroom, the Orgasm Shot from 2015’s bag should help. The shot helps women and men with orgasm and urinary incontinence problems.

Shu Uemura Makeup Box with Mink Eyelashes[9] ($600): Because, everyone needed an animal on their eyeballs in 2005.

Virgin Galactic Space Missions ($200,000): 2011 nominees were hoping they’d lose just to get a seat on an orbital space flight on Virgin Galactic[10]. Oscar, shmoscar. We want to go to space!

Dream Analysis and Mind Control Lessons ($20,000): The gift bag from 2015 came with special powers. Psychic Olessia Kantor would fly to the celebrity’s location to analyze their dreams and teach them “mind control” methods. Maybe the celebrities can use those methods to convince Academy members to give them a statue. 

Ventura Lipo-Light[11] ($4,068): If going to the doctor to get lipo is too much work, 2015’s at-home wearable machine that sucks the fat right out of ya proved useful.

Vampire Facelift ($5,000): This one must have been a hit if they’re bringing it back in breast form this year. In 2013, nominees were gifted with (and possibly insulted by) a procedure that uses platelet-rich plasma that’s drawn from your own blood to enhance collagen growth and skin rejuvenation. The breast lift is performed similarly.

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